PLASTIC PARADIGM

(an everyday tale of harmless inefficiency).

Needing to deposit money for a someone unable to do it for themself recently we go into this small bank which not too many years back used to be what is called in the U.K. a Building Society.

Having completed the transaction we are alerted by the friendly girl behind the counter to the fact that we could obtain one of this organisation’s credit cards at any time we might care to apply.

Some months later and deciding to take up the offer - the usual sort of thing with 0% interest for one year on balance transfers and purchases and that kind of palaver - we return to apply for one. It may be fair to add that we have had such a card from this outfit a few years before when a man marching up and down the street outside had cordially invited all and sundry (with suitable references naturally) to subscribe. But we had since terminated the the card with an unblemished record.......

........ A straightforward process then, to have a card again?

Oh no, no, no! Not by any stretch of the imagination ........

Firstly we are led into an office where a computer is switched on to take down the necessary details. We would prefer to fill in a form, or even take one away with us and complete it in our own time. But not possible.
So this time-consuming rigmarole begins in earnest with the woman at the computer taking half an hour to fill in the online form.
Possessing a couple of Master and Visa cards already may tend to make one a little blasé about the whole thing it is true. But then the bank employee announces that our previous card with them does not show on their records and that there will be an overnight delay while the mechanism, human and otherwise, does its stuff and we will be notified the next day and probably asked to produce our driving licence or passport for identification purposes. Fair enough. Though it is already beginning to feel more like applying for emigration than a mere credit card.

A whole week goes by (good job we are not desperate for the card to obtain funds for life saving reasons then!) And we wonder what has happened to the passport and driving licence part of the process promised for the following day.

Then a letter arrives asking for proof of income and signed by the person who sat at the computer all those days ago. So in we go to the branch armed with a wad of evidence of financial worth.
The person who sent the letter and took the initial application is on a day off, so we are obliged to deal with a different female employee who is standing to one side of the floor at a rostrum which resembles a check out control at an airport. (Obviously she has never been informed of the concept of customer privacy because she proceeds to try to sort things out with the world and its brother milling past). She has a vacuous expression in a personna of blonde hair and semi uniform dress but is careful not to look anyone in the eye lest it may in some way connect her to who she is dealing with.
She is not sure what is needed in the way of documents, what has gone on previously or what she is doing in general. She scrutinises the three line letter from her absent colleague as though it contains a hidden code which needs great deciphering and frowns a lot, impatient to pass the buck.
We grow a little exasperated in our lunch hour and ask for somebody who knows about credit cards but she chooses not to hear this and picks up a phone and dials a contact elsewhere.

On terminating her call she is a little more enthusiastic and announces that what we need to produce is three years of business accounts!
Somewhat impatiently we point out that it is not a mortgage we require but a credit card. Female employee number two then of course smells an irate customer situation and a ghastly scene brewing, so she conjures up a little room for greater privacy (no doubt for the benefit of her own uncertainties) where she makes a further phone call to a different contact who informs her that what we need to produce is something from the Inland Revenue to confirm our business status.

We tell her that within the law it is only necessary to produce evidence of our ability to meet the repayments of the card spending limit, and not to regale the bank with our entire business history and performance. After all, we are not looking to work for the bank but merely to obtain a bit of plastic. But we are not heeded - what do we know as a mere customer at the end of the day! We are perceived as carping and sarcastic - that much is obvious. She repeats again what the gentleman on the phone has said, parrot fashion. Meantime, we are beginning to wonder whether she hasn’t mistakenly spoken to the window cleaner on his tea break having a lark at head office, or the janitor on a week’s notice getting his own back by assuming someone’s desk in their absence.

So standing up announcing that we are less than impressed and that the procedure is nothing short of ludicrous, it must be obvious even to this airhead that we are not going any further with the deal. We leave hurriedly (to makeup for time lost in a working day).

End of matter?... But no!

Two weeks later we receive a letter saying we have been declined the said credit card and assuring us of their examination of our accounts with them. (We do not actually possess accounts with them, so this is a little alarming!).

Another visit to the branch seems to be called for, where we ask for the man whose signature is on this latest letter. We are met with a blank stare from a male member of staff who has not heard of the name. Eventually he realises that the signature works at the call centre not the branch. And never the twain shall meet
Enquiring with forbearance (determined to be balanced and calm) for the branch manager we are received next by a woman announcing herself as a Financial Advisor who arrives in the stead of the manager. We do actually ask whether we ought not to be led to the main man himself. The chief chirper. But she loftily informs us that she will judge that presently in the patronising attitude of one of those minor court officials given some authority to fend off the rank and file on behalf of the higher echelon.

She invites us to tell her the tale, which we do, although we wonder why we have wasted our breathe. She makes no phone calls, does not step out of her office to find out who might have dealt with this matter previously or what might have gone on before. In short, she is clearly very disinterested, it being in her view a trivial matter and one which she is certain she will dispense with before you can say ‘gold card’.

She is mistaken; some of us are not so easily quelled by semi qualified jobsworths where our personal finances and reputations are concerned. And thus it becomes abundantly clear that within these walls the left hand does not know what the right hand is doing and that the interface between theory and practise is non-existent.

Nonetheless, her manner remains one of defensive tolerance in a sudden opportunity to feel smug or superior towards someone who is not even a customer of the organisation and whose complaint is not one which falls within her understanding to do much about. And eventually she declares that the whole thing is our fault, apparently because on our last visit we did not announce to the airhead and her telephone colleague that we did not wish to proceed! And even if we did so we did not say it plainly or emphatically enough!

Had we done so the whole unfortunate business could have been avoided. Clearly we are guilty of bringing the sorry mess on ourselves. Or at the very least we are culpable of allowing it to happen!

And what of the accounts it is alleged in the letter we possess?? Her look of bemusement is offset only by her self-righteousness under what she sees as unwarranted attack! One would think that at this point she would have risen and gone off to find the manager and bring him from his tea break or whatever it is he is doing away from the ensuing chaos of actual customer relations. But no, she soldiers on, in the mistaken impression that we are going to be put in our place by her censorious waffle and irritating rhetoric. The matter of these accounts is clearly neither here nor there, since the deal is off, so to speak.

It’s abundantly clear that in her working day she patronises many people and talks down to even more. And it must be said that for the sort of place who deal with little old ladies or students whose credit ratings are so bad that even the slightest attention from somebody wearing a badge gives hope in a barren land, she probably gets away with it!

We announce that we are still unsatisfied with her explanations of this ridiculous business and she rises, for the first time during the interview, leaves her little office and returns with the leaflet for the customer complaints department. You will have met her type yourself ... your former best who became a traffic warden to finance her designer label habit. Or the brother-in-law you used to enjoy nights out with who became a circuit judge.

Keep in mind, it has just moved from credit card application to the question of why we have accounts (in the plural) that we knew nothing of. We now try phoning their call centre and the guy whose signature is on the last letter. But the person we speak with doesn’t immediately know him and they promise that someone will ring us back in a few minutes. An hour goes by. We ring again and speak to a ‘team leader’ who says again that someone will ring us . They don’t.

Now our self respect demands that we phone the Customer Complaints department who promise to have someone call within 48 hours - they don’t!. We begin to see this as something of a mission, but we are not seriously hoping for resolution - simply pursuing it when there is time. A bit like doing a jigsaw or the large crossword in the Sunday paper.

Two weeks later and following a further call to their Customer Complaints department who - surprise, surprise! - have not got back to us, we get another letter from the branch, this time from the manager, apologising for any inconvenience but not coming anywhere near the point at issue. Presumably because he doesn’t really know what it is. (His Head Girl cum Financial Adviser would actually have a very hard time explaining it to him as she really didn’t understand it herself).

We call Customer Complaints again and state that we have had a pointless letter and we will not speak with anyone below Area Manager, pointing out that passing the complaint back to the branch is useless since it’s the branch we are complaining about.

We are now considering submitting this as a film script, or even a mini t.v. series.

Finally, two months later, a ‘senior’ customer complaints person rings and says she’s taking the matter very seriously and encourages us to take her through the saga in detail. We do so. She says she will investigate and get back to us in writing. Oh heavens above! not more inept correspondence!! We implore her not to send any letters reiterating what we already know and designed to baffle the faint-hearted or infuriate us further.

The next day - hardly giving her time to investigate the correct phone number of the branch at fault let alone the case itself - she has sent a letter doing exactly what we have asked her not to do. Meaningless apologies detached from any point of reality and random facts about the system which is supposed to be in place! And, believe it or not, declarations about the efficiency on which the outfit prides itself! A sheer waste of time, paper and shareholders money!

We are seized with the temptation to phone her and vent the full wrath. Why not? Being patient is for suckers! We do so, but she is not there. When she calls back she informs us that she has at least solved the mystery of the ‘accounts’ we don’t possess .... they sent out a standard letter which was the wrong letter. Oh, well .... that’s alright then isn’t it!! A mere error of some little importance.

She assures us there is no harm done, nothing of this goes on record against us or anything like that! For a few moments we’re quite speechless. Their organisation, by some amazing sleight of mouth , are to remain totally blameless!
However, paradoxically, Senior Customer Complaints Lady then asks what they might do to pacify us and rectify the bad feeling.

We could have said, ‘well we wouldn’t mind a credit card with 0% interest for 12 months,’ which is where all this started. But since they didn’t think of it for themselves and since we really prefer not to have to deal with the company again we don’t bother. Her hands, no matter how very politically correctly ‘on’ are also very tied. As she says they cannot go sacking anyone - God Forbid. Let alone training them properly! They cannot do anything but offer hollow gestures. No, the only thing they can do is hope that the public remain gullible and apathetic enough to turn a blind eye to some of their appalling service.

And if you are wondering who this outfit is ... It launches lavish and inane t.v. adverts where actors dressed as employees dance around in a choreographed stage show manner singing and dancing about the glories of their bank. They use a large X in their branding and logos. And they are the same outfit who left a lot of their customer’s unshredded details out for refuse collection by accident on a pavement in Bury St. Edmonds in the U.K.

Unfortunately we are not giving prizes for guessing the name.

(For ‘Financial tarot spread’ please enter here .....)

 

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